God in me VS. God in sky
Gaza,
September 30, At 5:30 am the sun starts weaving its rays around the velvety
blue sky so slowly and carefully here in Gaza, light starts penetrating the
world until it illuminate it. Usually, when I cant sleep at night and if I am
nervous or going through something I turn to one of my house's windows to have
a 101 conversation with god. I'm this kind of person who has long conversations
with god and the spirits of dead people, I talk to my mom's and grandma's
pictures whenever I miss them. Some think its crazy while others -like me-
think that these conversations will be heard by god and\or the dead people we
talk to.
My
biggest relief comes when I open a window on a very cold wintery night and talk
to god while the rain splashes on my face and the chilly wind penetrates my
bones while its still dark outside and everybody is asleep but me and god. I
become so honest, real and articulate. I bond with god and call me crazy but I
feel like god hears me. I do it in summer also but I prefer it in winter.
Today
isn’t a wintery day, but with all the craziness I am going through regarding
where I stand in my life right now, I felt like I needed a conversation with
god. I needed this conversation so bad especially after the endless nervousness
regarding the US visa procedures and my trip to NEW YORK. For others, it might
be just a trip or just a UN media training or an experience or a break or their
own interpretation of such a trip. For me, the case is very very very
different.
I
have obsessed about New York after watching allot of good, bad and horrendous
American shows of all kinds. After reading about New York, I felt like I relate
to this city in allot of ways. New York has many sides: Manhattan, Brooklyn,
Queens and numerous other shades and faces. I have many sides too. New York is
dynamic and artistic and I am dynamic and artistic in my own way. For me, New
York is a dream-come-true of a city that dreams come true in. And I want to go
there so bad. New York is the city of dreamers and I have big dreams.
After
I left MSF, I landed many job interviews. Some I liked and others I disliked
and decided to run in the opposite direction before\if things progressed.
During September, I felt like time is passing by so slowly, but now that we are
one step shy of October I feel like time is flying by so rapidly. It's crazy, I
know, but it just shows you how crazy my life is right now. What if I get a
good job offer right now? What will a job offer that will make me say no to New
York look like? Should I say no to all job offers if I really want New York? Do
I want New York more than landing a good job here in Gaza? Are five weeks worth
turning job offers down? Should I just boycott all job interviews and offers
for NYC's sake? What if don’t make it to NYC? And a thousand other depressing
question that I overwhelm myself with during this dramatic period of my life.
While
others are taking it easy, I am freaking out. UN sent us the housing options
that turned out to be only one housing option which is a box-sized room in YMCA
Manhattan. The location is VERY strategic but the place is horrible for me.
Unfortunately, I am not this kind of person who doesn’t mind sleeping on
somebody's floor and showering in public bathrooms.
I
am comfortable with who I am but I wouldn’t deny that I wish I was this kind of
person. Staying at a room that fits only for a small bed and sharing a bathroom
with 30 other rooms for me is simply UNACCEPTABLE. Call me a brat, call me privileged,
call me soft skinned, call me sissy or call me whatever you like I don’t care.
I wouldn’t live properly if I didn’t stay at a place that had a good-sized
bedroom with your own private bathroom. And in case you don’t know this: Prices
of places to stay at in Manhattan ARE RIDICULOUSLY high. So that adds to my dilemma.
I wasn’t expecting the UN to place us at the trump tower but I didn’t see that
YMCA place coming either. So, I will keep searching till I find something
affordable and comfortable at the same time. Wish me luck please.
And
an epiphany that I went through this morning was: I am still not over my
grandmother's death. Ok, by now you are confused and wondering why the hell are
you reading this depressing and confusing blog post!!!! I agree with you LOL I
am wondering the same thing. I strayed away from the main issue.
So
after feeling all of what you just read above, I needed to resort to god and
have a good conversation with him. I
went to every window on every side of my house in Gaza, but all windows were
blocked. I can no longer see the sky from any window of my house due to the magnitude
of the construction work that has been done around us and infront of us and
behind us and on every side and…. .
It
just hit me that I can no longer communicate with god from any window of my
house. I got sad and angry. I know god is inside of us and we don’t need to
look at the sky to talk to him. I know that we can see god in the pedals of a
flower, in the stream of flowing water, in birds and animals and basically in
everything that he created. But just like sometimes we seek people's
recognition of how good we are, although we know we are damn good, I needed to
look at the sky when I talk to god today because I needed to feel his presence
so I can feel good and bathe in relief. I always talk to the voice of god in me
but sometimes I just need to be vulnerable enough to look at the sky above and
just vent out to god.
I thought
of going downstairs but I decided not to. Because I would not be able to have a
loud and verbal conversation with god unless I don’t mind sending the neighbors
a message of how crazy I am, and I do. And because its school time and many
children will be crowding the whole area walking their way to school.
While
I was writing this blog post, I was sitting on my bed and it was nearly 7 am. I
thought of taking a break but I was worried about the daily power outage that
might happen any second now and till this second I don’t know if I would be
able to publish this post or complete it now. I looked out of the opened
window, and to my surprise, from my current eye-level there is a small space of
sky visible and its all what I need.
I
thought I wont be able to talk to god anymore and look up to the sky while
doing it. Apparently I still can. Maybe not for long, but for now I still can.
And its enough, so I call for celebration.
Ok,
I don’t know why I felt like sharing this lame blog post with you all. I just
did. Please don’t hate me if I wasted your time and I promise that I am not
always that silly or lame SO PLEASE COME BACK AND CHECK MY BLOG FREQUENTLY AND DON’T
RUN AWAY.
I wish you all a happy day wherever you are and
I decided to send a prayer for every person struggling in this world today,
wherever he\she is, and whatever he\she might be going through. We are all
connected, we are all one. May we all live in peace, love and harmony. May we
all exude, share, live, give, appreciate and seek happiness.
Love,
Omar from Gaza
