Mom: How I lost my universe

Homage to Mom: How I lost my universe

Gaza, January, “What took me so long?”, a question that tantalized me since the early morning because today marks the 18th anniversary of my mom’s death, or passing, as I like to call it. I never dared to blog about it before because its too emotional and too personal. Who knows what I will end up sharing. But since I am becoming more real and shedding my ego, I guess it’s time I open up about that life-changing state.

My mom was a typical mother in a sense of being a hard working woman who gave birth to five children and doing her best to raise them all well. But she was no typical woman. She was a Palestinian who was born in Palestine but had to become a refugee with her family due to occupation and Nakba. They ended up swinging between the Arab countries, especially Lebanon and Syria.

She married a Palestinian, a revolutionary, which left her playing the role of a single mom of five in a foreign country (Cyprus) as her husband travels and works. It wasn’t easy but she made us feel like she was invincible and could handle anything. She was a human of feelings, her heart embraced everyone and she treated everyone with love, care and tenderness.

We moved to Gaza in the late 1990s, it was hard on us but for her she was used to this shredded life. She was worried about us but also was happy that we will return to a part of occupied Palestine and reunite with my dad. Four months later, she passed away, after securely getting us to “Safety”.

I was 9, but I remember that day like it was yesterday. I swear, the last few days before that day felt so weird. Her conversations with me were different, the look in her eyes was different and she had this air of worrisome surrounding her all the time. I woke up to head to school with my sister like any other day. But the weather was so gloomy, dark and rainy. The sky was trying to tell me something but I didn’t get it right away.

My older brother came to “confiscate” us from school. Yes, he literally confiscated us, we were put in a car and told we were heading home in the middle of a school day. I kept looking at the sky, it was trying to protect me but couldn’t prepare me for what I will see. The rain never stopped, if anything, the weather got worse.

My body was alerted, my instincts kept telling me that something was wrong but not in a million years did I imagine that loss. My mom was my everything. My compass, my universe and the center of everything.

There were so many people everywhere, especially in our house. I saw my mom laying there without moving. I didn’t need anyone to tell me anything. I felt a chill take over my spine and heart. I felt like the house was empty without her, even though the house was packed with people all around. I felt alone. And I have been feeling alone since then even when I am surrounded with family and friends.

Losing a parent, a mom especially, changes your whole life. It’s like walking through a dessert without a compass, or going on a pilgrimage without a destination in mind, or going through a maze in complete blindness. You lose the sense of security. You go through life always feeling like there is something missing. A permanent void opens in your heart and you just learn to live with it.

I don’t look like my mom but my soul looks like hers. I had the privilege, blessing and honor of living with her for only 9 years but she gave me love and she taught me so much that it could last for a lifetime. I feel like I was an extension of her heart and soul. She is a part of me and I am a part of her. She left earth 18 years ago, but she never left me or my heart.

They say time heals and helps you forgot. Its very true and accurate. But not when it comes to the loss of your mom. I find myself missing her more and more every year, I find myself also needing her more and more. I try to always remind myself of her face, her scent, her smile, her voice and the look of love she used to look at me with. I don’t always remember everything, it used to make me angry and make me feel like I am losing her all over again. But now I realized, I might forget some things and remember others but I will never forget how she made me feel.

I believe that I am a feminist because of her. I am also proud to be the fruit of interracial love. Everything helps make the person you become. But what I am most proud of is the authenticity she passed onto me and setting an example of how to keep your soul and heart connected in influential harmony and how to keep them in sync. She touched everyone with her love. She wasn’t my compass only, she was the compass to many of her friends and family as well.

Some people leave us but they leave so much presence behind that they are more present than people who are still alive. I hope I am making sense.

Mama, my love to you is something that resembles you. It’s a never ending spring. May you rest in peace and never leave my heart. May you keep inspiring me and may your words keep ringing in my mind. May you be proud of me a fraction of how much I am proud of being your son. If I had the choice of being your son for 9 years or being somebody else’s son for a lifetime, I will choose you because love and presence transcend beyond time. You remain my compass and my pillar of security. I always yearn for you.

I kindly ask you to please honor and love your mom, don’t take her for granted and don’t think that there is all the time in the world. You never know what might happen so show your mom all the love, respect and care she deserves. Treat her like your queen, don’t wait any occasion to make her feel special. And please, hug her and kiss her from me.



From Gaza with yearning and nostalgia,

Omar Ghraieb.

Why I’m happy ‘5 broken cameras’ didn’t win Oscar - Review

Why I’m happy ‘5 broken cameras’ didn’t win Oscar - Review

Gaza, April 29, ‘Five Broken Cameras’ is an award-winning documentary  (94 minutes) that was directed and created  by Emad Burnat and Guy Davidi. It’s also an Academy Award nominee for “Best Documentary feature”. The plot is a mere adaptation of reality. Its about a portion of a Palestinian farmer’s life, Emad burnat, and his nonviolent resistance against occupation and oppression which leads to the damage of five cameras. Emad never stops filming even after getting shot, being arrested and facing a lethal accident that left him with serious injuries that took a long while to heal. But will his emotional scars ever heal?

Its important that Palestine was represented at the Oscars this year, although our existence doesn’t need any further proof. Most predicted that the documentary wont win, but its participation was enough.

I’m happy that the documentary didn’t win an Academy Award because it deserves more, its beyond Oscar winning. If it won an Oscar it will be known as the Palestinian Documentary that won an Oscar, which in my opinion is very limiting and handicapping, this documentary held the plight of the Palestinian people and their devotion for peace, freedom and resistance. Its better be known as the documentary that told a huge part of the Palestinian story from a native narrative. Its larger than any award it can ever win.

‘Five Broken Cameras’ won the “World Cinema Directing” award on the category of Documentaries at the Sundance Film Festival, and the “Special Jury and Audience” award at IDFA Film Festival. It was described by The New York Times as “A moving and rigorous work of art”.

You would think 94 minutes are too long but not in this case. I sailed through those long minutes very smoothly yet very emotionally provoked by the organic, real and raw material. It’s a very colorful documentary, lets not forget that black is also a color.

Its narrated by Emad Burnat, who is also one of the directors and the one who took most of  the footage since this revolves around his family, his struggle, his village and his friends. Emad is a self-taught cameraman who found in filming a passion and a way of resistance, nonviolent resistance.

It starts with the birth of Gibreel, Emad’s fourth son, in 2005, Emad gets his first Camera. Gibreel comes with the spark of popular nonviolent resistance in the form of peaceful unarmed protests against the separation wall and the gobbling of Palestinian lands by violent and vicious Israeli settlers who are always backed by the Israeli police and army.

Emad takes us through his first-hand accounts of the gathering and organizing of the nonviolent protests that happen each week in the West Bank and gives justice for the Israeli and foreign activists who help Palestinians a great deal in this peaceful resistance. Many of them have died and got seriously injured by the Israeli Army but they are always there to help Palestinians.

The documentary pinpoints many other crucial issues that the mainstream media tends to neglect:

1-      Palestinian women and the importance of their role in the society.

2-      Children arrests that are usually done by the Israeli army at night, dragging little kids out of their beds (not shown in the documentary, only the arrests are shown).

3-      How vicious and violent the Israeli military is, and how they can arrest anyone unrightfully.

4-      How vicious the Israeli settlers can be, and how violent, especially when backed by the Israeli military.

5-      The amount of teargas that Israel uses against civilians protesting nonviolently is like pouring rain, teargas is very dangerous and suffocating, and if the canister hit the body directly it can cause death.

6-      How the Israeli military jeeps are always around in the West Bank.

7-      How united Palestinians are in both Gaza and the West bank despite the political separation.

8-      How selfless Israeli and foreign activists are, they endanger their lives to protest peacefully side by side with the Palestinians and always pay a high price for it by either being killed or injured or deported.

Perhaps one of the most shocking and frightening scenes was when Bassem Abu Rahmah’s brother gets arrested by the Israeli army, they blindfold him and then shoot him in the leg on a very close range. The documentary included many chilling scenes like the weekly protests and how violent they can get, Emad’s lethal accident that leaves him nearly dead and the arrest of little children and how devastated their mothers would be.

But the most chilling, horrifying and most devastating scene is when Bassem Abu Rahmah gets shot directly in the head and chest with a teargas canister by an Israeli soldier and dies nearly instantly. I lost my breath. The ambiance that you feel whenever the scenes included Bassem was happy and smiley and hopeful. Children loved him and he was always smiling, singing and spreading hope. He was never violent or armed, they killed him when he was shouting “You just shot an Israeli girl”, he was trying to save the Israeli activist. His death shocked the whole village and everyone participated in his funeral.

The documentary is filled with a mixture of happy and sad moments, not really ambiguous, just the contradictions of real life that we all pass through, sometimes on a daily basis. I will be contacting both Guy and Emad for a possible screening and appearance in Gaza, hoping that this will shorten the gap between Gaza and the West Bank.

The documentary offers a native narrative and personal accounts not just a perspective. Its very raw, real and revolutionary. Its shows, even if on a small scale, the Palestinian determination and their defiance of oppression and occupation. Nonviolent resistance has been a trending method in Palestine adopted by many people and backed by international activists.

This documentary turns the Palestinian life from a number or a name into a story and an existence. Emad keeps the camera rolling even during his most intimate moments, he shows us his family and home, he shares his friends with us and fights against occupation with a camera, or shall I say Six cameras? Each Camera has its own story and marks a phase in Emad’s life.

The documentary ends with a promise (or a pledge) made by Emad to keep filming no matter what it takes, which resembles and the fight of Palestinians against occupation which also continues no matter what it takes.

The Audio bridge was on point. Le Trio Jubran’s music made the documentary even more chilling and supported the narration and the events very well.

'Five Broken Cameras' generated a huge media buzz, specially in the US. Many interviews conducted with the directors and many articles tackled different sides of it whether its the production or the funding or the experience. The documentary even made it on HBO's "Veep", a television comedy series. It was mentioned in a provocative way, it sparked a controversy that  many stood with and against, watch the segment here:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3POTr9poyIs

In conclusion, ‘Five Broken Cameras’ is a must watch, see it for yourself and tell me what you think. You can watch it online here: 

http://viooz.co/movies/15366-5-broken-cameras-2011.html

And if you are interested in a more detailed look into the pre and post production info, budget and filming, you can check: 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/5_Broken_Cameras

Peace and love,

Omar from Gaza

God in me VS. God in sky

God in me VS. God in sky

Gaza, September 30, At 5:30 am the sun starts weaving its rays around the velvety blue sky so slowly and carefully here in Gaza, light starts penetrating the world until it illuminate it. Usually, when I cant sleep at night and if I am nervous or going through something I turn to one of my house's windows to have a 101 conversation with god. I'm this kind of person who has long conversations with god and the spirits of dead people, I talk to my mom's and grandma's pictures whenever I miss them. Some think its crazy while others -like me- think that these conversations will be heard by god and\or the dead people we talk to.

My biggest relief comes when I open a window on a very cold wintery night and talk to god while the rain splashes on my face and the chilly wind penetrates my bones while its still dark outside and everybody is asleep but me and god. I become so honest, real and articulate. I bond with god and call me crazy but I feel like god hears me. I do it in summer also but I prefer it in winter.

Today isn’t a wintery day, but with all the craziness I am going through regarding where I stand in my life right now, I felt like I needed a conversation with god. I needed this conversation so bad especially after the endless nervousness regarding the US visa procedures and my trip to NEW YORK. For others, it might be just a trip or just a UN media training or an experience or a break or their own interpretation of such a trip. For me, the case is very very very different.

I have obsessed about New York after watching allot of good, bad and horrendous American shows of all kinds. After reading about New York, I felt like I relate to this city in allot of ways. New York has many sides: Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens and numerous other shades and faces. I have many sides too. New York is dynamic and artistic and I am dynamic and artistic in my own way. For me, New York is a dream-come-true of a city that dreams come true in. And I want to go there so bad. New York is the city of dreamers and I have big dreams.

After I left MSF, I landed many job interviews. Some I liked and others I disliked and decided to run in the opposite direction before\if things progressed. During September, I felt like time is passing by so slowly, but now that we are one step shy of October I feel like time is flying by so rapidly. It's crazy, I know, but it just shows you how crazy my life is right now. What if I get a good job offer right now? What will a job offer that will make me say no to New York look like? Should I say no to all job offers if I really want New York? Do I want New York more than landing a good job here in Gaza? Are five weeks worth turning job offers down? Should I just boycott all job interviews and offers for NYC's sake? What if don’t make it to NYC? And a thousand other depressing question that I overwhelm myself with during this dramatic period of my life.

While others are taking it easy, I am freaking out. UN sent us the housing options that turned out to be only one housing option which is a box-sized room in YMCA Manhattan. The location is VERY strategic but the place is horrible for me. Unfortunately, I am not this kind of person who doesn’t mind sleeping on somebody's floor and showering in public bathrooms.

I am comfortable with who I am but I wouldn’t deny that I wish I was this kind of person. Staying at a room that fits only for a small bed and sharing a bathroom with 30 other rooms for me is simply UNACCEPTABLE. Call me a brat, call me privileged, call me soft skinned, call me sissy or call me whatever you like I don’t care. I wouldn’t live properly if I didn’t stay at a place that had a good-sized bedroom with your own private bathroom. And in case you don’t know this: Prices of places to stay at in Manhattan ARE RIDICULOUSLY high. So that adds to my dilemma. I wasn’t expecting the UN to place us at the trump tower but I didn’t see that YMCA place coming either. So, I will keep searching till I find something affordable and comfortable at the same time. Wish me luck please.

And an epiphany that I went through this morning was: I am still not over my grandmother's death. Ok, by now you are confused and wondering why the hell are you reading this depressing and confusing blog post!!!! I agree with you LOL I am wondering the same thing. I strayed away from the main issue.

So after feeling all of what you just read above, I needed to resort to god and have a good conversation with him.  I went to every window on every side of my house in Gaza, but all windows were blocked. I can no longer see the sky from any window of my house due to the magnitude of the construction work that has been done around us and infront of us and behind us and on every side and…. .

It just hit me that I can no longer communicate with god from any window of my house. I got sad and angry. I know god is inside of us and we don’t need to look at the sky to talk to him. I know that we can see god in the pedals of a flower, in the stream of flowing water, in birds and animals and basically in everything that he created. But just like sometimes we seek people's recognition of how good we are, although we know we are damn good, I needed to look at the sky when I talk to god today because I needed to feel his presence so I can feel good and bathe in relief. I always talk to the voice of god in me but sometimes I just need to be vulnerable enough to look at the sky above and just vent out to god.

I thought of going downstairs but I decided not to. Because I would not be able to have a loud and verbal conversation with god unless I don’t mind sending the neighbors a message of how crazy I am, and I do. And because its school time and many children will be crowding the whole area walking their way to school.

While I was writing this blog post, I was sitting on my bed and it was nearly 7 am. I thought of taking a break but I was worried about the daily power outage that might happen any second now and till this second I don’t know if I would be able to publish this post or complete it now. I looked out of the opened window, and to my surprise, from my current eye-level there is a small space of sky visible and its all what I need.

I thought I wont be able to talk to god anymore and look up to the sky while doing it. Apparently I still can. Maybe not for long, but for now I still can. And its enough, so I call for celebration.

Ok, I don’t know why I felt like sharing this lame blog post with you all. I just did. Please don’t hate me if I wasted your time and I promise that I am not always that silly or lame SO PLEASE COME BACK AND CHECK MY BLOG FREQUENTLY AND DON’T RUN AWAY.

I wish you all a happy day wherever you are and I decided to send a prayer for every person struggling in this world today, wherever he\she is, and whatever he\she might be going through. We are all connected, we are all one. May we all live in peace, love and harmony. May we all exude, share, live, give, appreciate and seek happiness.

Love,

Omar from Gaza

UPDATE: Killers of Vittorio Arrigoni prosecuted

UPDATE: Killers of Vittorio Arrigoni prosecuted 

Gaza, September 17^th, Military Court in Gaza sentenced today four Palestinians accused of killing Italian activist Vittorio Arrigoni to hard labor and prison. Sentences came after holding more than twenty court sessions in the presence of an Italian lawyer assigned by Vik's family.

The court sentenced two defendants to life in prison, "Mahmoud Salfiti" and "Amer Al hasasna", on charges of kidnapping and murder.

Court also ruled the imprisonment of Khader Jerim sentenced to ten years in prison for participating in the kidnapping and imprisonment of fourth defendant, Amer Abu Ghoula, to one year in prison on charges of harboring the kidnappers.

Arrigoni, 36, Italian peace activist, worked with the Pro-Palestinian ISM (International Solidarity Movement), was murdered in April of 2011, hours after he was abducted by gunmen in Gaza.

For his part, the Palestinian Center for Human Rights said that Arrigoni family sent an official letter to the court requesting the non-recourse to the death penalty against the accused as provided by the Palestinian Penal Code.

Khalil Shaheen, a member of the center, said in a press statement that the trial was transparent.

Vittorio wrote a book called "Stay Human" which touched his life and work in Gaza.

To read more about Vittorio's abduction, murder, work and Gaza's reaction towards his murder, Please check previous posts:

http://gazatimes.blogspot.com/2011/04/vittorio-arrigoni-ism-worker-kidnapped.html

http://gazatimes.blogspot.com/2011/04/goodbye-vittorio-arrigoni-killed-in.html

http://gazatimes.blogspot.com/2011/04/new-updates-on-vittorio-arrigonis.html

http://gazatimes.blogspot.com/2011/04/vittorio-arrigonis-killers-captured-in.html

http://gazatimes.blogspot.com/2011/04/from-gaza-to-vittorio-with-love.html

Omar

From Gaza to New York – Phase 1: Survival

 From Gaza to New York – Phase 1: Survival

When you usually ask people about their hobbies many of them will mention traveling. I don’t blame them, who wouldn’t enjoy traveling the world and exploring new cultures? I know I would. But if you live in Gaza, traveling can never be your hobby unless you want to kid yourself.

I was shortlisted, chosen and invited by the UN (United Nation) Headquarters in New York for media training. The Palestine, Decolonization and Human Rights Section,

UN Department of Public Information, usually invites Palestinian media practitioners every year for 5 weeks of media training.

I feel like the timing of this is perfect. 2012 has been an overwhelming year, allot of good and bad, but I did achieve allot. I am among the top 5 rankings of the 100 most influential Palestinians in Social media next to names like: Mourid Al Barghouti, Ali Abu Nimah and many other awesome Palestinian public figures. Its surreal and humbling but most of all it gives you reassurance that you have a voice and you are on the right path in getting it heard.

Ofcourse, I was ecstatic. I have been craving New York for nearly a year now and I cant stop saying how much I want to visit it, then the UN training came and actually offered me the chance of making my New York dream come true.

So if you were NOT Palestinian and NOT living in Gaza: All you have to do is visit the nearest US consulate, fill the visa application then head to the airport on the day of the assigned travelling trip. But gladly, I am Palestinian and I do live in Gaza. 

So my anticipated trip to New York is divided into a number of phases. Phase 1 is all about survival. Taking it one step at a time but having a nervous breakdown every day. UN provides everything but the US visa, obtaining the visa is our responsibility and I am sure you know how hard obtaining the US visa is.

First, you have to choose between applying for the visa through Jerusalem or Cairo. Its like choosing between dying by a lethal injection or dying by an electric chair. If you choose Jerusalem: It will be hard or even impossible to get an Israeli permit, even if you do, you won't guarantee passing Erez checkpoint (linking between Gaza and the West Bank) peacefully. And you cant guarantee that the Israeli authorities will issue the permit before your actual appointment.

If you choose Cairo: You are risking losing so much time and spending so much effort. You would have to go through Rafah border a couple of times to reach Cairo and apply for the visa and wait for your appointment or maybe head back Gaza and visit Cairo again when the appointment time comes if there is too much time in between. You cant guarantee the always-closed Rafah border, you cant guarantee reaching Cairo and you cant guarantee managing to head back in time for your appointment.

The good news is: Even if you went through all that, you cant guarantee actually obtaining the visa. Good news? Who said good news? I think my dark humor is kicking in.

Say you obtained the visa by a miracle, YOU ARE NOT OVER YET. You still have to cross Rafah border, and what do you know about Rafah border? Aside from the endless hours of waiting on the Egyptian side for no legitimate reason, and aside from all the humiliation you will be showered by the Egyptian border soldiers, you might not be able to guarantee your entry to Egypt and catching your plane on time. Or they might simply ask you to turn back and go home without giving any explanations.

While people worry about going shopping before they travel, we worry about making constant traveling arrangements to guarantee that we actually reach New York.

Whenever I get nervous about the border, the airplane trip, reaching New York, the UN training, thinking about possible futuristic inner conflicts about staying there or coming back, I just stop and remind myself: "Omar, you still haven’t finished your visa application and even when you do you might not be able to attend the appointment, and even if you do you might not get the visa". So, I calm down again for a few seconds and promise myself to take things slower but then I go to being nervous a little afterwards.

This is the price you have to pay when you live in Gaza, a besieged impoverished costal enclave that is smothered by Israel and Egypt is there to tighten Israel's grip. Nothing is guaranteed. Instead of daydreaming, shopping and planning, you just sit and wait and contemplate and wish and hope and work and push and try and apply and ask and…… .

You will have only the last minute to worry about shopping, obtaining international health insurance, packing and all these stuff.

Stay tuned for Phase 2: THE VISA SAGA….. If and whenever that happens.

Love, support, peace, humanity, equality and hugs (and kisses don’t hurt),

Omar from Gaza

Silence : Are you listening?

Silence : Are you listening?

Gaza, May 19, I have always came across “Silence” in my life, each time in a different form. It became a companion (rather than just a friend), a goal (sometimes) and an intriguingly opulent space. I discovered that Silence can become anything you want it to be, ofcourse that doesn’t mean its easily manipulated because sometimes it can be an abhorrent burden.

Silence is just like air, you cant see it or feel it, but you can definitely sense it and hear it if you paid attention. 

Just like anything in life, Silence can be used in a good way or a bad way.

Silence can bounce between gratitude, shame, guilt and\or empathy. Silence is wisdom when talk is cheap.

Silence can be a hint of dalliance, the beginning of a love affair, the end of a long relationship, a manifestation of certain good or bad feelings or just a way out. Some consider Silence as a symptom of defeat while others consider Silence as a sign of power.

“Actions speak louder than words”, is a popular saying that we often use excessively, but what we fail to mention is that Silence can be as powerful as actions and words. It can ruin a person, relationship, family, career, and\or a reputation if\when misinterpreted. It can also thicken the air when it tries to delicately hold what is left unsaid.

Silence can encapsulate endless untold stories and\or secrets but it can also refer to tiresome.

While some people consider Silence as a devilish act, others will resort to Silence to politely disagree with an elderly (whether a parent or a person you highly respect). It can also become the face of helplessness or a wicked punishment to someone that hurt us. Silence can be an alarming warning of anger.

People are usually Silent when they are contemplating or planning ahead. Silence can be the preparation of a pleasant surprise or the mischievous intent that will lead to atrocities and\or crimes of any nature.

In the Arabic culture, Silence is a sign of consent. When the bride-to-be is asked by her father or the sheikh if she approves or disapproves marrying the man who came to offer his love, Silence is a sign of consent. It can also be a sign of oppression if the bride-to-be is afraid to voice her real feelings. Silence can be an act of fear.

Silence can represent an asylum for people who assign it as their comfort zone. It can also be the mantra of true love for you don’t need to speak allot if there is a direct lane of feelings between you and your beloved. It can also refer to a lack of communication or even a lack of trust.

Silence has a voice that you can hear if you listen carefully. It can be singsonging calmness or containing bad news or an act of carelessness.

Silence can be a privilege that you need to work hard to experience, or a luxury that you yearn to indulge yourself in, or a self-defense mechanism that you use as a shield from being hurt or just a way to recuperate from a deep emotional wound caused by someone you love or a prison that you find yourself stuck in.

Silence can be the result of dead emotions. Silence can also be a way of appreciating everything around you.

Silence can be caused by injustice. Silence can mean cowardice.  Silence can impersonate a man with a wounded pride. Silence can become a solution to disguise confabulation.

Silence can shout: I love you or I cant stand you or I need my distance or I need to stay away for your own good.

Hence, Silence can also showcase inner peace or the exemplary rituals of a spiritual prayer that you might be performing for god in a ceremony that includes only you and god.

Silence can be easily molded but it should never be underestimated or taken lightly because it can hide lifetimes and worlds.