Mom: How I lost my universe

Homage to Mom: How I lost my universe

Gaza, January, “What took me so long?”, a question that tantalized me since the early morning because today marks the 18th anniversary of my mom’s death, or passing, as I like to call it. I never dared to blog about it before because its too emotional and too personal. Who knows what I will end up sharing. But since I am becoming more real and shedding my ego, I guess it’s time I open up about that life-changing state.

My mom was a typical mother in a sense of being a hard working woman who gave birth to five children and doing her best to raise them all well. But she was no typical woman. She was a Palestinian who was born in Palestine but had to become a refugee with her family due to occupation and Nakba. They ended up swinging between the Arab countries, especially Lebanon and Syria.

She married a Palestinian, a revolutionary, which left her playing the role of a single mom of five in a foreign country (Cyprus) as her husband travels and works. It wasn’t easy but she made us feel like she was invincible and could handle anything. She was a human of feelings, her heart embraced everyone and she treated everyone with love, care and tenderness.

We moved to Gaza in the late 1990s, it was hard on us but for her she was used to this shredded life. She was worried about us but also was happy that we will return to a part of occupied Palestine and reunite with my dad. Four months later, she passed away, after securely getting us to “Safety”.

I was 9, but I remember that day like it was yesterday. I swear, the last few days before that day felt so weird. Her conversations with me were different, the look in her eyes was different and she had this air of worrisome surrounding her all the time. I woke up to head to school with my sister like any other day. But the weather was so gloomy, dark and rainy. The sky was trying to tell me something but I didn’t get it right away.

My older brother came to “confiscate” us from school. Yes, he literally confiscated us, we were put in a car and told we were heading home in the middle of a school day. I kept looking at the sky, it was trying to protect me but couldn’t prepare me for what I will see. The rain never stopped, if anything, the weather got worse.

My body was alerted, my instincts kept telling me that something was wrong but not in a million years did I imagine that loss. My mom was my everything. My compass, my universe and the center of everything.

There were so many people everywhere, especially in our house. I saw my mom laying there without moving. I didn’t need anyone to tell me anything. I felt a chill take over my spine and heart. I felt like the house was empty without her, even though the house was packed with people all around. I felt alone. And I have been feeling alone since then even when I am surrounded with family and friends.

Losing a parent, a mom especially, changes your whole life. It’s like walking through a dessert without a compass, or going on a pilgrimage without a destination in mind, or going through a maze in complete blindness. You lose the sense of security. You go through life always feeling like there is something missing. A permanent void opens in your heart and you just learn to live with it.

I don’t look like my mom but my soul looks like hers. I had the privilege, blessing and honor of living with her for only 9 years but she gave me love and she taught me so much that it could last for a lifetime. I feel like I was an extension of her heart and soul. She is a part of me and I am a part of her. She left earth 18 years ago, but she never left me or my heart.

They say time heals and helps you forgot. Its very true and accurate. But not when it comes to the loss of your mom. I find myself missing her more and more every year, I find myself also needing her more and more. I try to always remind myself of her face, her scent, her smile, her voice and the look of love she used to look at me with. I don’t always remember everything, it used to make me angry and make me feel like I am losing her all over again. But now I realized, I might forget some things and remember others but I will never forget how she made me feel.

I believe that I am a feminist because of her. I am also proud to be the fruit of interracial love. Everything helps make the person you become. But what I am most proud of is the authenticity she passed onto me and setting an example of how to keep your soul and heart connected in influential harmony and how to keep them in sync. She touched everyone with her love. She wasn’t my compass only, she was the compass to many of her friends and family as well.

Some people leave us but they leave so much presence behind that they are more present than people who are still alive. I hope I am making sense.

Mama, my love to you is something that resembles you. It’s a never ending spring. May you rest in peace and never leave my heart. May you keep inspiring me and may your words keep ringing in my mind. May you be proud of me a fraction of how much I am proud of being your son. If I had the choice of being your son for 9 years or being somebody else’s son for a lifetime, I will choose you because love and presence transcend beyond time. You remain my compass and my pillar of security. I always yearn for you.

I kindly ask you to please honor and love your mom, don’t take her for granted and don’t think that there is all the time in the world. You never know what might happen so show your mom all the love, respect and care she deserves. Treat her like your queen, don’t wait any occasion to make her feel special. And please, hug her and kiss her from me.



From Gaza with yearning and nostalgia,

Omar Ghraieb.

Bab Al Shams - The Gate of The Sun

Bab Al Shams - The Gate of the Sun

Bab Al Shams doesnt need any introduction but for those who wonder what I am talking about, check this link:

http://electronicintifada.net/blogs/ali-abunimah/defying-occupier-palestinians-establish-bab-al-shams-village-land-seized-jewish

This was very inspiring, I couldnt sleep last night. I was glued to my laptop keeping a close eye on Bab Al Shams until Israeli heavily armed forces barbarically attacked and dismantled Bab Al Shams, arresting and injuring Palestinian and foreign activists who were peaceful and unarmed - Link: http://occupiedpalestine.wordpress.com/2013/01/13/babalshams-photos-israeli-soldiers-attack-evict-bab-al-shams-arrest-dozens/ I cant be present at Bab Al Shams so the least I can do is write an inspired poem about it. And it goes like this:

Bab Al Shams

Freedom is set to come

Shining through the gate of the sun

Darkness, we will overcome

Everything in our power will be done

Look at those idiots

Trying to defy the universe

Closing the sun’s gate

Fighting against fate

Don’t you know the sun will always shine?

Don’t you know that the land is mine?

Break my bones and cuff my hands

I’ll come here tomorrow again to stand

I never give up

Go ahead and try to shut me up

My voice will break every silence

Let my step set off sirens

May you fear even my dance

We are here, we are all Bab Al Shams

Taking back what we already own

Taking it back on our own

Defying barbarism with our bare flesh

Growing stronger with every thresh

They can break our spine but not our spirit

We wont abandon our land, our souls are in it

Story will be told

Whether young or old

Tell Issawi to hang in there

His hunger is stronger than thunger

The sun will inevitably shine

Over a free Palestine

Confessions of an Exhausted Palestinian: Mahatma Gandhi or Kim Kardashian?

Confessions of an Exhausted Palestinian: Mahatma Gandhi or Kim Kardashian?

P.S. Before you read à in this blog post: I am not generalizing, I am not talking about all Palestinians and pro-Palestinians and I am not talking about those who did everything I am about to mention. I am talking about people who misuse and abuse Palestine. Who am I to judge you ask? You are right, I am not entitled to judge anyone, I am just sharing my own observations, NOT MY JUDGEMENTS.

Gaza, April 19, I have been silent for a while but I guess its time I break my silence and let everything out. I am exhausted of being a Palestinian who is living in Gaza. I live with two contradicting attractions inside of me that represent an inner struggle, I belong to this land but I feel like a stranger at the same time. I refuse to lose my entity to blend in. Yet, being who I am and living in Gaza is very exhausting.

I see Palestine as a woman who is being raped by many people and many countries, all wishing to take control of this steadfastness that is represented by an authentic soil that has an indestructible soul. Some (I am being polite here, I really wanted to write many instead of some) Palestinians inside Palestine, in the Diaspora and pro-Palestinians use Palestine in one way or another.

Palestinians inside, in the Diaspora and pro-Palestinians use Palestine in monetizing sympathy or turning this sympathy into forms of materialism or delusion such as: 

1.       Using Palestine, Palestinian children and\or anything related to Palestine to collect donations that end up used to fund a laptop or iPhone instead of saving a life or aiding the needy.

2.       Allure desperate pro-Palestinian old\young females and deceive them by the sweetness of fake love that ends up ending after getting money or a visa or anything beneficial.

3.       Collecting visas and funded trips around the world.

4.       Fake heroism.

5.       Becoming a Journalist or a photojournalist (even if they didn’t major in it or have no experience in it).

6.       Collecting international and Arab girlfriends in all countries.

7.       Assigning themselves as the representatives of Palestine, youth and\or anything related to Palestine.

8.       Collecting donations in the name of Palestine but in reality they fund a personal life, wedding, trips, personal businesses….etc.

9.       To meet foreigners à International people who stand in solidarity with Palestine.

10.   Shouting for the right of return but in reality THEY WILL NEVER RENOUNCE THEIR FOREIGN CITIZENSHIP AND LEAVE THEIR LIVES TO COME BACK TO PALESTINE.

11.   Found orgs and associations in the name of Palestine.

12.   Seek fame.

13.   Make Palestine their life “temporarily” until they find\seek one.

14.   Focus on the big picture ignoring the living conditions inside of Palestine simply because they have no idea how it goes, since they live abroad.

15.   Loving Palestine because of a person –Which usually ends when this dalliance ends- or loving a Palestinian because of Palestine which turns out to be a delusional dalliance too.

This is very unfortunate. Isnt it enough that Israel wants every bit of Palestine? Isn’t it enough that Arabs are doing nothing to free Palestine? Isn’t it enough that Palestinians are divided? Isn’t it enough that the world remains silent when it comes to Palestine? NOPE. Not enough. People want to squeeze their share out of Palestine and use it in their own twisted way.

I wonder what Palestine did to deserve all this harshness, cruelty and exploitation.

I also feel how shameful these acts are when it comes to genuine people (like Palestinians inside and out, Arabs and internationals) who sacrificed their lives to do something for poor Palestine. What will you tell Rachel Corrie who sacrificed her life by defying a bulldozer in Rafah? How would you describe your ugly acts for Tom Hurndall who sacrificed his life saving Palestinian children in Gaza? How would you describe your evil intentions to Vittorio Arrigoni who lived for Gaza, breathed Gaza and was killed in Gaza because of his genuine endless love and devotion for Gaza?

Will you be able to face Dalal Maghrabi? Or Hana Shalabi? Or Khader Adnan? Or the thousands and thousands of Palestinian martyrs who lost their lives because they Palestinians? Or those children who became disabled because of being bombed by Israel for being Palestinians? Or the students who have to pass endless checkpoints and the Apartheid wall to go to school? Or the mothers of martyrs? Or the families who lost everything because they are Palestinians who love their land? Or Jerusalemites who lost and still losing their homes after being confiscated by Israel for “Judaisation reasons”? or the Palestinian and pro-Palestinian activists who get beaten up and bullied after being called “Anti-Semites”?

I am not perfect either, I am also ashamed of myself because I havent done much for Palestine. But I recognize that I am not a hero, I don’t seek fame and I will never ever be able to face any of the people that I previously mentioned because they did allot for Palestine while I struggle to do something for my country.

They say: “If you cant beat them, join them” and if you want to blend in then change your colors. I refuse to join them or change my colors for anyone no matter what.

I am torn. I want to stay in Palestine but I will never be able to join or blend in. Not because all Palestinians are bad, simply because I am different. People in Gaza aren’t ready for a change, but I yearn for a positive change. I believe in the butterfly effect and when I said that out loud here I was called “crazy”, “a dreamer” and “strange”. I have big dreams for Palestine that maybe not many might agree with, cheer on or understand. 

I am not into the system of how things flow here, which automatically makes me a person who is defying the flow. I might be wrong, I might be right; I just want to be me. Palestinians in Gaza always look at me in disbelief whenever I say I am a Palestinian who lives in Gaza, they keep begging to differ. They will always see me as a “foreigner” or “Lebanese” or “Syrian” or “American” or “Irish” or “West Banker or just a “Stranger” who isn’t trying hard enough to fit in, and these are only a few of the things that I have been called. Note that: I have the Palestinian passport, ID and NATIONALITY which –for them- isn’t enough just because I am a red head, I have an American accent and my Arabic is in Lebanese\Syrian dialect.

If I go out, I will turn into those hot-blooded Palestinians who say “Palestine” in every sentence no matter how irrelevant it was to the subject. I will get homesick because of my strong belonging and attachment to Palestine. I will feel guilty because I am not inside Palestine stirring a change or helping my people. I will become distant and I might end up being a true “stranger”. I will be pressured by westerns to fit in, and pressured by Palestinians to remain authentic. I will be called “Anti-Semite” by some and a “Fake Palestinian by others.

Some assure me that I can do allot for Palestine by living outside of Palestine, while others encourage me to stay in Palestine because Palestine needs us, but what do I want? I simply don’t know. I know that I want to write books, magazines, and poetry but saying that will lead me to a question that I will ask myself before you ask it to me: Doesn’t that mean you are seeking fame and using Palestine? I don’t know, but what I know is that I want to write about the beauty and pain of Palestine as I see\saw and my own experience while living in it and also write about life, not to be famous, but to reach people’s hearts and minds. Feel free to believe or curse me.

I still don’t know whether I should stay in Palestine or leave. Should I keep fighting or change strategies or simply give up? Should I follow the principles of Mahatma Gandhi and dedicate my life to humanity and Palestine or follow the mantra of Kim Kardashian and just live my life doing nothing but enjoying fake fame, or should I find a middle ground? Black, white or grey? Who am I to say?

Between Gaza, siege, apartheid wall, The West Bank, divided Palestine, martyrs, Israel’s constant violations of human rights, no rights of free movement, living in the biggest open air prison, having dreams that penetrate this earth reaching all the way to the whole universe, loving my country, belonging to Palestine, fitting-in issues, the BDS movement, dreams of better education, dreams of a better Palestine, dreams of a better life, dreams of unity, craving to stir and lead a positive revolutionary change in Palestine, helping my people, bombing, Israel’s illegal detention and settlements, the roams if Israeli F16s, the vast variety of Israel’s kinds of bombardment, psychological war, mental pressures, Hamas and Fatah, leaving or staying and a thousand other things: I feel lost and emotionally anguished.

Forgive me Palestine, for I have not found the best way to serve you and I got lost\confused because I don’t want to end up harming you instead of helping you.

P.S. Forgive my writing style, this wasn’t and will not be edited. This blog post is the unedited, uncensored and purely spontaneous confessions of an exhausted Palestinian.

From Gaza with exhaustion but much of love,

Omar