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Sunday, September 30, 2012

God in me VS. God in sky

God in me VS. God in sky

Gaza, September 30, At 5:30 am the sun starts weaving its rays around the velvety blue sky so slowly and carefully here in Gaza, light starts penetrating the world until it illuminate it. Usually, when I cant sleep at night and if I am nervous or going through something I turn to one of my house's windows to have a 101 conversation with god. I'm this kind of person who has long conversations with god and the spirits of dead people, I talk to my mom's and grandma's pictures whenever I miss them. Some think its crazy while others -like me- think that these conversations will be heard by god and\or the dead people we talk to.

My biggest relief comes when I open a window on a very cold wintery night and talk to god while the rain splashes on my face and the chilly wind penetrates my bones while its still dark outside and everybody is asleep but me and god. I become so honest, real and articulate. I bond with god and call me crazy but I feel like god hears me. I do it in summer also but I prefer it in winter.

Today isn’t a wintery day, but with all the craziness I am going through regarding where I stand in my life right now, I felt like I needed a conversation with god. I needed this conversation so bad especially after the endless nervousness regarding the US visa procedures and my trip to NEW YORK. For others, it might be just a trip or just a UN media training or an experience or a break or their own interpretation of such a trip. For me, the case is very very very different.

I have obsessed about New York after watching allot of good, bad and horrendous American shows of all kinds. After reading about New York, I felt like I relate to this city in allot of ways. New York has many sides: Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens and numerous other shades and faces. I have many sides too. New York is dynamic and artistic and I am dynamic and artistic in my own way. For me, New York is a dream-come-true of a city that dreams come true in. And I want to go there so bad. New York is the city of dreamers and I have big dreams.

After I left MSF, I landed many job interviews. Some I liked and others I disliked and decided to run in the opposite direction before\if things progressed. During September, I felt like time is passing by so slowly, but now that we are one step shy of October I feel like time is flying by so rapidly. It's crazy, I know, but it just shows you how crazy my life is right now. What if I get a good job offer right now? What will a job offer that will make me say no to New York look like? Should I say no to all job offers if I really want New York? Do I want New York more than landing a good job here in Gaza? Are five weeks worth turning job offers down? Should I just boycott all job interviews and offers for NYC's sake? What if don’t make it to NYC? And a thousand other depressing question that I overwhelm myself with during this dramatic period of my life.

While others are taking it easy, I am freaking out. UN sent us the housing options that turned out to be only one housing option which is a box-sized room in YMCA Manhattan. The location is VERY strategic but the place is horrible for me. Unfortunately, I am not this kind of person who doesn’t mind sleeping on somebody's floor and showering in public bathrooms.

I am comfortable with who I am but I wouldn’t deny that I wish I was this kind of person. Staying at a room that fits only for a small bed and sharing a bathroom with 30 other rooms for me is simply UNACCEPTABLE. Call me a brat, call me privileged, call me soft skinned, call me sissy or call me whatever you like I don’t care. I wouldn’t live properly if I didn’t stay at a place that had a good-sized bedroom with your own private bathroom. And in case you don’t know this: Prices of places to stay at in Manhattan ARE RIDICULOUSLY high. So that adds to my dilemma. I wasn’t expecting the UN to place us at the trump tower but I didn’t see that YMCA place coming either. So, I will keep searching till I find something affordable and comfortable at the same time. Wish me luck please.

And an epiphany that I went through this morning was: I am still not over my grandmother's death. Ok, by now you are confused and wondering why the hell are you reading this depressing and confusing blog post!!!! I agree with you LOL I am wondering the same thing. I strayed away from the main issue.

So after feeling all of what you just read above, I needed to resort to god and have a good conversation with him.  I went to every window on every side of my house in Gaza, but all windows were blocked. I can no longer see the sky from any window of my house due to the magnitude of the construction work that has been done around us and infront of us and behind us and on every side and…. .

It just hit me that I can no longer communicate with god from any window of my house. I got sad and angry. I know god is inside of us and we don’t need to look at the sky to talk to him. I know that we can see god in the pedals of a flower, in the stream of flowing water, in birds and animals and basically in everything that he created. But just like sometimes we seek people's recognition of how good we are, although we know we are damn good, I needed to look at the sky when I talk to god today because I needed to feel his presence so I can feel good and bathe in relief. I always talk to the voice of god in me but sometimes I just need to be vulnerable enough to look at the sky above and just vent out to god.

I thought of going downstairs but I decided not to. Because I would not be able to have a loud and verbal conversation with god unless I don’t mind sending the neighbors a message of how crazy I am, and I do. And because its school time and many children will be crowding the whole area walking their way to school.

While I was writing this blog post, I was sitting on my bed and it was nearly 7 am. I thought of taking a break but I was worried about the daily power outage that might happen any second now and till this second I don’t know if I would be able to publish this post or complete it now. I looked out of the opened window, and to my surprise, from my current eye-level there is a small space of sky visible and its all what I need.

I thought I wont be able to talk to god anymore and look up to the sky while doing it. Apparently I still can. Maybe not for long, but for now I still can. And its enough, so I call for celebration.

Ok, I don’t know why I felt like sharing this lame blog post with you all. I just did. Please don’t hate me if I wasted your time and I promise that I am not always that silly or lame SO PLEASE COME BACK AND CHECK MY BLOG FREQUENTLY AND DON’T RUN AWAY.

I wish you all a happy day wherever you are and I decided to send a prayer for every person struggling in this world today, wherever he\she is, and whatever he\she might be going through. We are all connected, we are all one. May we all live in peace, love and harmony. May we all exude, share, live, give, appreciate and seek happiness.


Omar from Gaza

1 comment:

  1. Hi Omar,

    This is so neat--your big dream is NYC, where I have lived, mine was Palestine, where I now am :D. I had similar worries and thoughts before I came here. I even had a prospective internship and didn't know how to deal with my situation--did I want the internship, which would lead to a job, or ... how badly did I want that? Well, wild horses couldn't have stopped me from coming here, so the question was what would I say to the guy at the interview for the internship and would he accept it if I started the internship later. Well, the problem never came, because the man never called me back. The answer to this question, though, lies in determining what you want for your life. A lot of confusion can be cleared up just by knowing with certainty what you want and not what might be most "practical" at the moment. If what is most practical isn't going to make you happy, I wouldn't do it.

    Concerning the worries...first of all, I think you will be very hard-pressed to find a room with a private bathroom in NYC without paying some insane amount of money. I would guess that the majority of people living in NYC rent a room in someone else's apt or home for an insane amount of money, and share the kitchen and bathroom. At that, there are many renters who don't even want to let you use their kitchen. I paid $790/month to stay in a room in Brooklyn. That's an average price, or maybe $700 is more average.

    Similarly, I got inundated with worries and fears before coming to Palestine, much of which revolved around what I feared would be poor living conditions, like the ones I experienced in Tunisia and Algeria, but actually the standard of living here is significantly higher than there, so those fears were unfounded. Another big fear I had was smoke. "Everybody smokes" here is what I was told. I prepared to defend myself against a perpetual onslaught of cigarette smoke. Yet, it turns out they put me in a smoke-free home, so I am not subject a lot to cigarette smoke after all.

    Good luck in your search for lodgings--I always used Craig's List in the US. You could try that, but I have to warn you of all the scams and perverts that advertise on there. I could tell you some stories about men in NYC who have really nice apartments and want to rent out a room for cheap to a girl who he may want to have walk around in her underwear. Or once a guy asked me if I minded if he walked around in his underwear. Then he asked if I minded if he masturbated on the couch or with his door open. So do be careful on that site. NYC is chock-full-of freaks.

    Ultimately, what worked best for me was to only consider the tangible options and paths that were presented to me, instead of focusing on "what if"'s. Doing that seemed to let everything fall into place.

    Regarding things you may have seen on TV, like crime and stuff. I lived there 2 years and was extremely close to at least 2 crimes--someone was stabbed in the Dunkin Donuts across the street from where I lived and another incident in the neighborhood had an NYPD helicopter flying around and cops and cop cars everywhere, an ambulance and streets blocked, but I was just a bystander. My time in NYC made me realize that you can be in the midst of the greatest danger and yet not be touched by it. People will call it luck or good fortune, but I think it's more about your emotional vibration than luck or statistics.

    Looking forward to see how it goes for you.

    P.S. Talking out loud to God while looking at the sky? It's unsettling how similar we are. Well, for me it doesn't have to be the sky. Nowadays I don't even have to see a part of nature. Though nature is the easiest place to find God.