Back to Basics: Stay true to yourself

Back to Basics: Stay true to yourself

Gaza, I decided to go back to basics, not only in writing, but also in many aspects of my life. Since school days, I dreamt of being a journalist who gives the world compelling human stories and I pursued it immediately. I started this blog as a little cozy place where I can be me and write to myself and to a few others who would be interested in seeing how I unfold with time. I used writing as my therapy.

Then the world forces you to evolve and mature, if I may say. You lose your breath trying to catch up, sidetracked by people who want to mold you in whatever shape they see fit. I was pushed to obsess over viewership, I was told my writing wasn’t "professional enough", some said my style is too simple pushing me to become a little pretentious and some others wanted to just break me down saying they had my best interest in mind. Yeah right.

I caved in. I started writing for an American news agency. I started using complicated words found on a simple Google search of "Complex writing glossary". I started checking the views every two minutes. Everybody around me succeeded in influencing me, and I was eager to please. I started feeling fancy.

I got high on the hype of being published on prestigious websites. I started abandoning my aesthetic and slowly lost my voice to please others and fight less with editors.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t happy even though my dream came true. I was making money out of writing compelling human stories to have them manipulated by editor, but at least I was attending to everyone's image of who\how I should be.

Soon enough, after draining battles of discussing my writing rates and vicious fights with editors who could find no mistakes in my writing yet broke my style and voice down until it was irrelevant and what they published sounded like nothing I would have written.

I detached myself from writing in what felt like a painful slow progression, I decided not to write for money and I just lost the passion for it. What was once my remedy and joy ride turned out to be my misery and nightmare. I tried going back to writing after a while, but every time I did, my hands froze and my mind went into a complete shutdown mode. After I failed my talent, it decided to fail me. "Fair enough", I thought to myself.

My last blog post was nearly two years ago, yet people still emailed me and told me –Both in person and online- that they read my blog. I felt constantly embarrassed and flabbergasted, why would people still be interested?

I started reminiscing on the old days when I only wanted to write to fulfill my passion and perhaps inspire one person at least. I remembered how writing was a joyful experience of artistic release and a breath of fresh air. The days when viewership didn’t matter and all I cared about was writing and nothing else. It brought a smile to my face and reignited a spark inside me.

The last three years have been rough. Too many changes, drastic ups and downs and I lost myself in the process of what I thought was "The natural progression". I only started recently to slowly gain my old self back and it feels good. I closed a chapter and started a fresh one. Here I am, back to writing to myself and to whoever is willing to read, even if it was only one person in any part of the world, I am writing for you and me.

I am back to offer the same narrative of rawness and realness I once was known for, and my dorky  humor. I am back to share what is happening on ground but also to reflect a positive tone. I am back to my beginning days when I wrote for the sake of writing not caring how personal it gets or how crazy I sound. I am back because nobody has the right to own my voice or shut me up or control me. I am back because many people miss the human and relatable feel in my writings. I am back to prove that nothing is worth giving up on your talent for. I am back to tell you to keep believing, keep being you and always listen to your gut and I promise you it will pay off when you least expect it.

Consider this as a wakeup call to go against submitting to the norm, or what people expect from you or want you to be. Think of it as a plea for you not to give up, not from a preacher but from a person who went through it and knows how it feels. Take it as invitation for me and you to embark on a new journey where we stay true to ourselves and to everyone around us.

The happiness you waste your life looking for exists within, which makes external affirmation useless so never sacrifice who you are for someone else. Every person in your life might leave you for any reason, all you have is yourself so own it and work on it. Be your own person.

Together in good and bad,

Omar Ghraieb 

God in me VS. God in sky

God in me VS. God in sky

Gaza, September 30, At 5:30 am the sun starts weaving its rays around the velvety blue sky so slowly and carefully here in Gaza, light starts penetrating the world until it illuminate it. Usually, when I cant sleep at night and if I am nervous or going through something I turn to one of my house's windows to have a 101 conversation with god. I'm this kind of person who has long conversations with god and the spirits of dead people, I talk to my mom's and grandma's pictures whenever I miss them. Some think its crazy while others -like me- think that these conversations will be heard by god and\or the dead people we talk to.

My biggest relief comes when I open a window on a very cold wintery night and talk to god while the rain splashes on my face and the chilly wind penetrates my bones while its still dark outside and everybody is asleep but me and god. I become so honest, real and articulate. I bond with god and call me crazy but I feel like god hears me. I do it in summer also but I prefer it in winter.

Today isn’t a wintery day, but with all the craziness I am going through regarding where I stand in my life right now, I felt like I needed a conversation with god. I needed this conversation so bad especially after the endless nervousness regarding the US visa procedures and my trip to NEW YORK. For others, it might be just a trip or just a UN media training or an experience or a break or their own interpretation of such a trip. For me, the case is very very very different.

I have obsessed about New York after watching allot of good, bad and horrendous American shows of all kinds. After reading about New York, I felt like I relate to this city in allot of ways. New York has many sides: Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens and numerous other shades and faces. I have many sides too. New York is dynamic and artistic and I am dynamic and artistic in my own way. For me, New York is a dream-come-true of a city that dreams come true in. And I want to go there so bad. New York is the city of dreamers and I have big dreams.

After I left MSF, I landed many job interviews. Some I liked and others I disliked and decided to run in the opposite direction before\if things progressed. During September, I felt like time is passing by so slowly, but now that we are one step shy of October I feel like time is flying by so rapidly. It's crazy, I know, but it just shows you how crazy my life is right now. What if I get a good job offer right now? What will a job offer that will make me say no to New York look like? Should I say no to all job offers if I really want New York? Do I want New York more than landing a good job here in Gaza? Are five weeks worth turning job offers down? Should I just boycott all job interviews and offers for NYC's sake? What if don’t make it to NYC? And a thousand other depressing question that I overwhelm myself with during this dramatic period of my life.

While others are taking it easy, I am freaking out. UN sent us the housing options that turned out to be only one housing option which is a box-sized room in YMCA Manhattan. The location is VERY strategic but the place is horrible for me. Unfortunately, I am not this kind of person who doesn’t mind sleeping on somebody's floor and showering in public bathrooms.

I am comfortable with who I am but I wouldn’t deny that I wish I was this kind of person. Staying at a room that fits only for a small bed and sharing a bathroom with 30 other rooms for me is simply UNACCEPTABLE. Call me a brat, call me privileged, call me soft skinned, call me sissy or call me whatever you like I don’t care. I wouldn’t live properly if I didn’t stay at a place that had a good-sized bedroom with your own private bathroom. And in case you don’t know this: Prices of places to stay at in Manhattan ARE RIDICULOUSLY high. So that adds to my dilemma. I wasn’t expecting the UN to place us at the trump tower but I didn’t see that YMCA place coming either. So, I will keep searching till I find something affordable and comfortable at the same time. Wish me luck please.

And an epiphany that I went through this morning was: I am still not over my grandmother's death. Ok, by now you are confused and wondering why the hell are you reading this depressing and confusing blog post!!!! I agree with you LOL I am wondering the same thing. I strayed away from the main issue.

So after feeling all of what you just read above, I needed to resort to god and have a good conversation with him.  I went to every window on every side of my house in Gaza, but all windows were blocked. I can no longer see the sky from any window of my house due to the magnitude of the construction work that has been done around us and infront of us and behind us and on every side and…. .

It just hit me that I can no longer communicate with god from any window of my house. I got sad and angry. I know god is inside of us and we don’t need to look at the sky to talk to him. I know that we can see god in the pedals of a flower, in the stream of flowing water, in birds and animals and basically in everything that he created. But just like sometimes we seek people's recognition of how good we are, although we know we are damn good, I needed to look at the sky when I talk to god today because I needed to feel his presence so I can feel good and bathe in relief. I always talk to the voice of god in me but sometimes I just need to be vulnerable enough to look at the sky above and just vent out to god.

I thought of going downstairs but I decided not to. Because I would not be able to have a loud and verbal conversation with god unless I don’t mind sending the neighbors a message of how crazy I am, and I do. And because its school time and many children will be crowding the whole area walking their way to school.

While I was writing this blog post, I was sitting on my bed and it was nearly 7 am. I thought of taking a break but I was worried about the daily power outage that might happen any second now and till this second I don’t know if I would be able to publish this post or complete it now. I looked out of the opened window, and to my surprise, from my current eye-level there is a small space of sky visible and its all what I need.

I thought I wont be able to talk to god anymore and look up to the sky while doing it. Apparently I still can. Maybe not for long, but for now I still can. And its enough, so I call for celebration.

Ok, I don’t know why I felt like sharing this lame blog post with you all. I just did. Please don’t hate me if I wasted your time and I promise that I am not always that silly or lame SO PLEASE COME BACK AND CHECK MY BLOG FREQUENTLY AND DON’T RUN AWAY.

I wish you all a happy day wherever you are and I decided to send a prayer for every person struggling in this world today, wherever he\she is, and whatever he\she might be going through. We are all connected, we are all one. May we all live in peace, love and harmony. May we all exude, share, live, give, appreciate and seek happiness.

Love,

Omar from Gaza