Between Freedom & Emancipation: I found myself

Between Freedom & Emancipation: I found myself

Gaza, Ever thought about Freedom? Silly question, I know for sure that indeed you thought about it allot, but what I meant is: Have you ever looked the meaning up in the dictionary and thought about it? As you can see in the picture above, “Freedom” has several meanings. But in my personal opinion, Freedom is a feeling that only you can interpret in your own way and words. Which definition suits you from the above picture? I chose one, I will come back to it later.

As a Palestinian, I was born to seek freedom. But also as a human I was born with a thirst for freedom. Its not just about indulging in a free independent country, no, its also about setting yourself and humanity free then using this freedom to fight cruelty, poverty, inhumanity, war crimes…..etc.

Gaza is the biggest open air prison that earth has ever known, these aren’t just words, I live in Gaza, I live in that prison. Waking up every day in a besieged big open-air prison isn’t easy, thirst for freedom elevates every second and it turns into a pressure or a duty or a must or maybe all three together. I never felt unsafe in Gaza, but I never felt safe either. I never felt free but god knows that I tried so hard to find white canvases to paint freedom on, believing that freedom can be found in little details and can be sparked within little steps.

My daily routine consists of power outages, Israeli warplanes either bombing or violating the sanctity of Gaza’s sky or both, water shortages, daily news of Israel’s violation of human rights in Palestine, Palestinian prisoners on hunger strike, Fatah-Hamas division, news about Syria, Egypt and the world.

Then I traveled to the US. I lived in Manhattan for a month, I was always busy with UN media training and discovering every place I can. Suddenly, my body gets accustomed to a whole new system. Suddenly, every pressure is lifted. Suddenly, I feel like a normal human being who is living in a familiar easy place. Suddenly, I think I feel a certain definition of the word “Freedom”, I feel “improper familiarity”. Why do I feel this sensation of improper familiarity? Because I am not designed to feel like a normal human being. HELLO, I am Palestinian and I live in Gaza, if that doesn’t scream “abnormal”, I don’t know what does. And I shouldn’t feel any familiar to a place other than my homeland, especially if it’s the US which has a government that is supporting the occupation of my homeland.

I also felt guilty, I felt like I am betraying Gaza. Hell, I felt like I am betraying Palestine, all Palestinians and the Palestinian cause. How can I forget everything and just dare to feel free while my country is still occupied and my home is still besieged? HOW?

What felt like a sweet moment quickly turned into bitterness and guilt.

But “Freedom” is overpowering, let it not kid or fool you. Freedom is indeed dangerous. I couldn’t stop it or help it, I was feeling “FREE” and I felt fear clenching over my heart and taking over my body.

What happens after I go back to Gaza? Will I crave this rare sensation? Will I seek it out of Gaza instead of needing it for and in Palestine? What if I feel free out of Palestine and never in Palestine? What if freedom out of Palestine becomes a goal instead of seeking freedom inside and for Palestine? What if feeling free out of Palestine becomes a comfort zone and I end up forgetting about freeing my country?

I got confused, then angry, then frustrated and I nearly cried in the middle of a street in Manhattan’s upper east side. Yet, I kept walking.

 I felt the most free when I was alone walking around New York. I will never ever forgot the first moment of recognizing a weird sensation that was running slowly but majorly through my blood. I was walking aimlessly through the streets of Manhattan, losing track of time\place\directions. It was a Saturday and I had nothing to hold me down, I knew I would end up getting back home if I get lost anyway, so I just kept walking with nothing on my mind.

I reached a corner and was about to cross to the other side of the street, not caring where it leads me, then I stopped. Time stopped, I froze. I felt no pressure or stress, no worries or cares. I felt free. I could go wherever I want, do whatever I may and no matter what I will get back home safely at the end of the day. Is that freedom? Or is it emancipation? Or maybe both? Or I simply might be losing my mind.

I continued walking. It was a very cold but sunny day. I had my headphones in my ears, some music was jamming and I just smiled. I had many mixed emotions but I decided to confront them later.

I went to bed that day knowing that eventually I will have to face the inevitable. I need to figure out what happened with me that day and how and why I felt what I felt. I looked the word “Emancipation” up online to see if I felt any literal meanings of it. I gave up but then I came across the medical meaning of it, shown in the picture below.

Yes, that was me, I was the original homogeneous embryo. I gradually separated my mindset from Gaza and I found myself entering new fields with potential of development known as “New York”. I felt worse. I don’t want to separate gradually from Palestine and Gaza. I want to remain a loyal concerned original homogeneous embryo. I was confused, and I thought I have lost my mind already.

I found myself between “Freedom” and “Emancipation”, I found my home between them. I might feel the same feelings in other countries and cities around the world but none of them will resonate until I feel them in my own homeland (Palestine). So I had to accept how good those feelings felt and yet remind myself that I need to keep seeking freedom for my country until I feel those same exact feelings in my own homeland.

We are all born free until something or someone tries to oppress us. We are willing to spend our lifetime seeking freedom and even risk losing it for the sake of freedom.

So until Palestine is free, I won’t rest. I might travel, take breaks and cherish instantaneous freedom but I won’t give up, hopefully. My thoughts also are with Syria, Egypt and all oppressed nations around the world.

Love, peace, humanity and hugs,

Omar from Gaza

God in me VS. God in sky

God in me VS. God in sky

Gaza, September 30, At 5:30 am the sun starts weaving its rays around the velvety blue sky so slowly and carefully here in Gaza, light starts penetrating the world until it illuminate it. Usually, when I cant sleep at night and if I am nervous or going through something I turn to one of my house's windows to have a 101 conversation with god. I'm this kind of person who has long conversations with god and the spirits of dead people, I talk to my mom's and grandma's pictures whenever I miss them. Some think its crazy while others -like me- think that these conversations will be heard by god and\or the dead people we talk to.

My biggest relief comes when I open a window on a very cold wintery night and talk to god while the rain splashes on my face and the chilly wind penetrates my bones while its still dark outside and everybody is asleep but me and god. I become so honest, real and articulate. I bond with god and call me crazy but I feel like god hears me. I do it in summer also but I prefer it in winter.

Today isn’t a wintery day, but with all the craziness I am going through regarding where I stand in my life right now, I felt like I needed a conversation with god. I needed this conversation so bad especially after the endless nervousness regarding the US visa procedures and my trip to NEW YORK. For others, it might be just a trip or just a UN media training or an experience or a break or their own interpretation of such a trip. For me, the case is very very very different.

I have obsessed about New York after watching allot of good, bad and horrendous American shows of all kinds. After reading about New York, I felt like I relate to this city in allot of ways. New York has many sides: Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens and numerous other shades and faces. I have many sides too. New York is dynamic and artistic and I am dynamic and artistic in my own way. For me, New York is a dream-come-true of a city that dreams come true in. And I want to go there so bad. New York is the city of dreamers and I have big dreams.

After I left MSF, I landed many job interviews. Some I liked and others I disliked and decided to run in the opposite direction before\if things progressed. During September, I felt like time is passing by so slowly, but now that we are one step shy of October I feel like time is flying by so rapidly. It's crazy, I know, but it just shows you how crazy my life is right now. What if I get a good job offer right now? What will a job offer that will make me say no to New York look like? Should I say no to all job offers if I really want New York? Do I want New York more than landing a good job here in Gaza? Are five weeks worth turning job offers down? Should I just boycott all job interviews and offers for NYC's sake? What if don’t make it to NYC? And a thousand other depressing question that I overwhelm myself with during this dramatic period of my life.

While others are taking it easy, I am freaking out. UN sent us the housing options that turned out to be only one housing option which is a box-sized room in YMCA Manhattan. The location is VERY strategic but the place is horrible for me. Unfortunately, I am not this kind of person who doesn’t mind sleeping on somebody's floor and showering in public bathrooms.

I am comfortable with who I am but I wouldn’t deny that I wish I was this kind of person. Staying at a room that fits only for a small bed and sharing a bathroom with 30 other rooms for me is simply UNACCEPTABLE. Call me a brat, call me privileged, call me soft skinned, call me sissy or call me whatever you like I don’t care. I wouldn’t live properly if I didn’t stay at a place that had a good-sized bedroom with your own private bathroom. And in case you don’t know this: Prices of places to stay at in Manhattan ARE RIDICULOUSLY high. So that adds to my dilemma. I wasn’t expecting the UN to place us at the trump tower but I didn’t see that YMCA place coming either. So, I will keep searching till I find something affordable and comfortable at the same time. Wish me luck please.

And an epiphany that I went through this morning was: I am still not over my grandmother's death. Ok, by now you are confused and wondering why the hell are you reading this depressing and confusing blog post!!!! I agree with you LOL I am wondering the same thing. I strayed away from the main issue.

So after feeling all of what you just read above, I needed to resort to god and have a good conversation with him.  I went to every window on every side of my house in Gaza, but all windows were blocked. I can no longer see the sky from any window of my house due to the magnitude of the construction work that has been done around us and infront of us and behind us and on every side and…. .

It just hit me that I can no longer communicate with god from any window of my house. I got sad and angry. I know god is inside of us and we don’t need to look at the sky to talk to him. I know that we can see god in the pedals of a flower, in the stream of flowing water, in birds and animals and basically in everything that he created. But just like sometimes we seek people's recognition of how good we are, although we know we are damn good, I needed to look at the sky when I talk to god today because I needed to feel his presence so I can feel good and bathe in relief. I always talk to the voice of god in me but sometimes I just need to be vulnerable enough to look at the sky above and just vent out to god.

I thought of going downstairs but I decided not to. Because I would not be able to have a loud and verbal conversation with god unless I don’t mind sending the neighbors a message of how crazy I am, and I do. And because its school time and many children will be crowding the whole area walking their way to school.

While I was writing this blog post, I was sitting on my bed and it was nearly 7 am. I thought of taking a break but I was worried about the daily power outage that might happen any second now and till this second I don’t know if I would be able to publish this post or complete it now. I looked out of the opened window, and to my surprise, from my current eye-level there is a small space of sky visible and its all what I need.

I thought I wont be able to talk to god anymore and look up to the sky while doing it. Apparently I still can. Maybe not for long, but for now I still can. And its enough, so I call for celebration.

Ok, I don’t know why I felt like sharing this lame blog post with you all. I just did. Please don’t hate me if I wasted your time and I promise that I am not always that silly or lame SO PLEASE COME BACK AND CHECK MY BLOG FREQUENTLY AND DON’T RUN AWAY.

I wish you all a happy day wherever you are and I decided to send a prayer for every person struggling in this world today, wherever he\she is, and whatever he\she might be going through. We are all connected, we are all one. May we all live in peace, love and harmony. May we all exude, share, live, give, appreciate and seek happiness.

Love,

Omar from Gaza