God in me VS. God in sky

God in me VS. God in sky

Gaza, September 30, At 5:30 am the sun starts weaving its rays around the velvety blue sky so slowly and carefully here in Gaza, light starts penetrating the world until it illuminate it. Usually, when I cant sleep at night and if I am nervous or going through something I turn to one of my house's windows to have a 101 conversation with god. I'm this kind of person who has long conversations with god and the spirits of dead people, I talk to my mom's and grandma's pictures whenever I miss them. Some think its crazy while others -like me- think that these conversations will be heard by god and\or the dead people we talk to.

My biggest relief comes when I open a window on a very cold wintery night and talk to god while the rain splashes on my face and the chilly wind penetrates my bones while its still dark outside and everybody is asleep but me and god. I become so honest, real and articulate. I bond with god and call me crazy but I feel like god hears me. I do it in summer also but I prefer it in winter.

Today isn’t a wintery day, but with all the craziness I am going through regarding where I stand in my life right now, I felt like I needed a conversation with god. I needed this conversation so bad especially after the endless nervousness regarding the US visa procedures and my trip to NEW YORK. For others, it might be just a trip or just a UN media training or an experience or a break or their own interpretation of such a trip. For me, the case is very very very different.

I have obsessed about New York after watching allot of good, bad and horrendous American shows of all kinds. After reading about New York, I felt like I relate to this city in allot of ways. New York has many sides: Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens and numerous other shades and faces. I have many sides too. New York is dynamic and artistic and I am dynamic and artistic in my own way. For me, New York is a dream-come-true of a city that dreams come true in. And I want to go there so bad. New York is the city of dreamers and I have big dreams.

After I left MSF, I landed many job interviews. Some I liked and others I disliked and decided to run in the opposite direction before\if things progressed. During September, I felt like time is passing by so slowly, but now that we are one step shy of October I feel like time is flying by so rapidly. It's crazy, I know, but it just shows you how crazy my life is right now. What if I get a good job offer right now? What will a job offer that will make me say no to New York look like? Should I say no to all job offers if I really want New York? Do I want New York more than landing a good job here in Gaza? Are five weeks worth turning job offers down? Should I just boycott all job interviews and offers for NYC's sake? What if don’t make it to NYC? And a thousand other depressing question that I overwhelm myself with during this dramatic period of my life.

While others are taking it easy, I am freaking out. UN sent us the housing options that turned out to be only one housing option which is a box-sized room in YMCA Manhattan. The location is VERY strategic but the place is horrible for me. Unfortunately, I am not this kind of person who doesn’t mind sleeping on somebody's floor and showering in public bathrooms.

I am comfortable with who I am but I wouldn’t deny that I wish I was this kind of person. Staying at a room that fits only for a small bed and sharing a bathroom with 30 other rooms for me is simply UNACCEPTABLE. Call me a brat, call me privileged, call me soft skinned, call me sissy or call me whatever you like I don’t care. I wouldn’t live properly if I didn’t stay at a place that had a good-sized bedroom with your own private bathroom. And in case you don’t know this: Prices of places to stay at in Manhattan ARE RIDICULOUSLY high. So that adds to my dilemma. I wasn’t expecting the UN to place us at the trump tower but I didn’t see that YMCA place coming either. So, I will keep searching till I find something affordable and comfortable at the same time. Wish me luck please.

And an epiphany that I went through this morning was: I am still not over my grandmother's death. Ok, by now you are confused and wondering why the hell are you reading this depressing and confusing blog post!!!! I agree with you LOL I am wondering the same thing. I strayed away from the main issue.

So after feeling all of what you just read above, I needed to resort to god and have a good conversation with him.  I went to every window on every side of my house in Gaza, but all windows were blocked. I can no longer see the sky from any window of my house due to the magnitude of the construction work that has been done around us and infront of us and behind us and on every side and…. .

It just hit me that I can no longer communicate with god from any window of my house. I got sad and angry. I know god is inside of us and we don’t need to look at the sky to talk to him. I know that we can see god in the pedals of a flower, in the stream of flowing water, in birds and animals and basically in everything that he created. But just like sometimes we seek people's recognition of how good we are, although we know we are damn good, I needed to look at the sky when I talk to god today because I needed to feel his presence so I can feel good and bathe in relief. I always talk to the voice of god in me but sometimes I just need to be vulnerable enough to look at the sky above and just vent out to god.

I thought of going downstairs but I decided not to. Because I would not be able to have a loud and verbal conversation with god unless I don’t mind sending the neighbors a message of how crazy I am, and I do. And because its school time and many children will be crowding the whole area walking their way to school.

While I was writing this blog post, I was sitting on my bed and it was nearly 7 am. I thought of taking a break but I was worried about the daily power outage that might happen any second now and till this second I don’t know if I would be able to publish this post or complete it now. I looked out of the opened window, and to my surprise, from my current eye-level there is a small space of sky visible and its all what I need.

I thought I wont be able to talk to god anymore and look up to the sky while doing it. Apparently I still can. Maybe not for long, but for now I still can. And its enough, so I call for celebration.

Ok, I don’t know why I felt like sharing this lame blog post with you all. I just did. Please don’t hate me if I wasted your time and I promise that I am not always that silly or lame SO PLEASE COME BACK AND CHECK MY BLOG FREQUENTLY AND DON’T RUN AWAY.

I wish you all a happy day wherever you are and I decided to send a prayer for every person struggling in this world today, wherever he\she is, and whatever he\she might be going through. We are all connected, we are all one. May we all live in peace, love and harmony. May we all exude, share, live, give, appreciate and seek happiness.

Love,

Omar from Gaza

As I turn 25 today: 25 things I am grateful for

As I turn 25 today: 25 things I am grateful for

Gaza, February 28, I would start with expressing how much I like my birthday's date but I would sound self centered. And I am not here to sound self-centered; I am here to announce my decision to bathe in gratitude this year on my birthday. I reached 25 today and although I have MUCH MORE than 25 things to be grateful for, I will choose my best 25.

My close friends have seen how tangible my transformation has been, but for those who don’t know me: I have changed allot along the past few months. 2011, was a year that I will never forgot. It was revolutionary in every sense that this meaning can hold, leaders were toppled, people demanded their freedom, horrendous bloodsheds and it was a clear sign that the world is changing. 

Apparently, I was following that trend “Un-intentionally”. I ended up changing too. Sometimes, I don’t even recognize my past self. Don’t get me wrong, the real Omar is still there and the old Omar is still camping on me but the new Omar is a spontaneous operation that started happening and still is.

I like 25 –Not because the numbers are nice or it’s the half of 50 and all this crap-, I like 25 because I can honestly say that now: I know myself a little better, I know the world a little better, I know god a little better, I know what I want a little better and I know you a little better. I appreciate things more, I enjoy things more, I no longer tolerate drama or people’s crap and I no longer seek validation from people who just wanna use me. I am becoming who I am, I am meant to be and I want to be. For me, this is big.

I was frightened to death from this transformation because as Maya Angelou once said: “If you know better, you would\should\could do better”, she is right. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to do better if I knew better but GLADLY I was wrong. I try and will try to do better now that I know better, and I will always seek more knowledge to know better so I can do better even if that scares the crap out of me. I was also afraid because my change will upset many close people to my heart –and it did- and I might lose them but it will be their choice –and it is- not mine. He\she who doesn’t accept me for who I am, doesn’t deserve me –This is my new mantra-.

Ok time to shut up now and state the 25 things I thank god for –No matter how much I thank god it will never be enough for he has given me endless blessings, gifts and things to be grateful for-, here we go:

1-      My faith and how it gets 10 times stronger after a little weakness.

2-      My Vulnerability that keeps me grounded, human, humble and grateful.

3-      My family because you might lose anything but you will never lose your family.

4-      My mom who passed away when I was 9 but lived in my heart since then, she planted in me seeds that will always grow, which means she will always be with me J love you mom.

5-      Nano and his upcoming brother\sister (Adnan Abdullah a.k.a. Nano who is my nephew and the best gift that god and dareen –my sister- gave me).

6-      Ziad, My best friend. Because no matter what happens, we will always watch each other’s backs and be there for each other.

7-      All my friends (class mates, social media friends, university friends, ALL MY FRIENDS EVERYWHERE because every1 of them made a difference in my life).

8-      My Grandma who raised me like a son and a grandchild and was always there for me. <3

9-      My life in Cyprus Island that might not be long but left positive precipitations that will stay forever with me and made a huge impact on my personality.

10-   Being Palestinian because I would wanna be Palestinian if I wasn’t. I would be a different person if I wasn’t Palestinian. It made me who I am now.

11-   Palestine because this entity and existence taught me love, existence, UNARMED resistance and LIFE.

12-   Writing because the gift of writing gave me the ability to slowly discover myself and my voice and more importantly have my voice heard and express myself freely. And poetry, because it helped give my imaginations so many other and renewable dimensions.

13-   Latin Patriarchate School and Holly family school because the 1st gave me the best years of my childhood life with the best friends, teachers and school ever. And the 2nd meant the transformation from childhood to adolescence and a whole new phase with the same awesome friends and teachers.

14-   Social media for helping us reach out to people, participate in global revolutions and spread the truth about Palestine and Gaza.

15-   Gaza. Imagine you were walking in a gallery and a breathtaking portrait caught your eye and you couldn’t stop looking at it. Infact, you kept coming everyday to just look at it. Well, I live in this portrait J

16-   My love for pets and animals in General because it made me more humane, hating animals can turn a person into a cruel monster. I said “CAN”, please don’t hold that against me.

17-   A little more knowledge everyday, because knowledge is power.

18-   My English language because it made my life 100 times easier than other people here in Gaza.

19-   My family’s financial status that enabled me to study at good schools, universities and be able to do some of the things that I like even though we aren’t rich. My financial status, I am not rich yet I am independent and I get to live how I want to live and do most of the things I like.

20-   My integrity that helped me make numerous friends for life without needing anything from them. Thank you god, Thank you god and Thank you god.

21-   My love for art, culture and music that introduced color to my life, without these things my life would be black and white à BORING “in my personal opinion about my life, you might be living a black and white life and enjoying it” J

22-   My laptop. My first big purchase and my best investment because it was the gate for priceless things and moments. It means allot to me.

23-   My humanity that enables my heart ache whenever I see a child crying, an elder suffering, an animal hurting, injustice ruling, oppression camping and Palestine bleeding.

24-   Change. The change that happened to me, to the world and my ability to spot positive change; seek positive change, work for a better change and thrive for a better change.

25-   Kareem. For being in my life as a second dad, friend, mentor, a person who is brutally honest with me, knows me very well, always there for me no matter what, incorporates me in his family, sets me straight, listens to me and offers me unconditional fatherly love.

Ok that’s all folks. Feel free to tell me what you are grateful for, why did you wake up smiling today? What do you wanna thank god for? …etc.

I wanna also thank you all for being a part of my birthday.

With love, gratitude, respect and hugs,

Omar from Gaza

Gratitude is not only the greatest of all virtues, but the parent of all others - Cicero